2007 and later

I was with my friend in her car, on our way to Target when I heard on the radio that Kanye West mom had passed away. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to be reaching the peek of your career and suddenly your mom passes away. Like, what? Dude, who? I'm not really the emotional person... but I truly feel like shit hearing stuff like this. It just makes me think about what I have here in life and why I have it.

My mom had breast cancer the same year that I turned eight. When my dad would tell me about how afraid he was of loosing her, it never got to me. Of course I remember going to the hospital and visiting mom and of course I remember being happy for her when it turned out that she didn't have to take the medication that would require her hair to fall off. But I didn't get it. I didn't understand that I could be waking up the next morning without a mother. I didn't understand that she was really, really sick. And I feel embarrassed to say that still don't think I get it.

Why I'm writing about this is because one of my best friends mother is very sick. The doctors say she won't be able to make more than a couple of months, if even that. Now how the hell does anyone cope with that? What the fuck? I just want to scream. I want to scream because I am on the other side of the fucking Atlantic when I should be there for my friend. I want to scream because I am so proud of my friend, who is studying in a different country than where her mom is at, has no plans of dropping out of school. I want to say that I know what she is going through BUT I REALLY DON'T. I want to say It's gonna be fine BUT I KNOW IT'S REALLY NOT.

I hate this shit. I just want to be 10 and have my Barbies hair be the biggest issue of my pathetic life.